MANLY Marbled Fondant Birthday Cake

Is it just me, or is searching for a masculine cake design sort of like a guy trying to find a jock strap at Victoria’s Secret? Let’s face it: cakes are just plain girly. Almost too girly, with their fricken ruffles and flowers and hearts and fondant bumble bees. Almost makes want to puke sometimes. How did I get into this? 😛

My neighbor’s birthday was last week, and I naturally drew a complete blank when trying to think of a good design for him. Wtf do guys want their cakes to look like? I thought I’d ask a couple other males to get the scoop:

“Just make a big pair of boobs.”

“Just make a HUGE penis and put his name on it.”

Thanks, guys. 

Needless to say I decided to go back to my roots on this one. Wayyyyyy back to two years ago when I made my very first cake ever: 

first-cake-ever 

Look at it, in all its box cake mix and canned frosting glory. Didn’t even have enough icing to cover the sides! It was still tasty though. I remember being particularly impressed with my Houston Texans logo, so there’s that. 

This year I stuck with the Texans theme but gave up the gel icings and opted for a magnet cake topper instead. I also decided to try a technique that I’ve seen done hundreds of times but had yet to try on my own. Marbled fondant!

texans cake white background 1

Seriously, what could be more manly than a cake inspired by a hunk of rock carved straight out of God’s great earth? NOTHING, I TELL YOU. That is the manliest shit ever! 

Ooh, pretty blue! *-*

marbling on top

I want to apologize (yet again) for my atrocious photos. Photography is hard, okay. I know how to filter (some of) the light, and I’m usually good at channeling my inner Myspace for some flattering angles (previous picture not included), but when the weather decides to pull a fast one on me and make it simultaneously too bright and too rainy (at the same fricken time), well I don’t quite yet know how to deal with that. So please have patience while I learn how to bake/blog/photograph/exist. 

Until then, let’s get started!


Okay, so, I obviously wanted some sharp edges on the top of my cake. In order to achieve that I decided to ganache my cake using the upside down method. Why is it so shiny, you ask? Because I didn’t make enough ganache and had to make an emergency batch just to be able to cover the cake. Two years later and I still can’t predict the right amount of frosting. 😛

ganache-upside-down

The next thing I did was pick out my colors! I chose black, white, and blue. I originally went for red instead of blue but when I rolled it out it looked like one of those hot pink zebra patterns. Not manly at all. Blue definitely has more chest hair.

black blue white fondant

The next step was to roll each color into long ropes all the same length.

fondant rolls

Then smush them together like so…

fondant rolls smushed

Then grab the ends and give them a little twist, Keith Sweat style. You got me twisted over youuuuu.

fondant twisted

Keep twisting until it looks a bit like this.

fondant tight twist

Now curl it up like a menacing poisonous snake just ready to attack! So manly.

fondant snake

Then you’ll roll it into a log again and repeat that twisting pattern.

fondant-rolled-out-again

And make another snake! You’ll basically keep doing this until your colors are as distributed as you’d like them to be. I stopped here.

 fondant prettier snake

Imagine my surprise when I rolled it out and saw this blanket of DEATH. Where the hell did the blue go? 

rolled-out-marbled-fondant

I flipped it over….and ta-da! So clearly this was the better side.

 flipped over fondant

The next step was to drape the fondant over my cake (that I’d transferred to a cake stand) and then use my hands and a fondant smoother to smooth the top and about 2 inches down the sides. After that, it’s all about “fluffing the skirt” as they say, where you go around the cake lifting up the fondant to get rid of the wrinkles and then smooth it down a little more. 

fondant ghost

You basically work your way down the cake inch by inch fluffing and smoothing until you reach the bottom.

working-the-fondant-down

Then you cut off the excess fondant with a pizza roller, which in my opinion is the most crucial fondant tool.

 cutting off excess fondant

I think most people (like me) probably only have one fondant smoother, if they have any at all. In most videos that show you how to achieve smooth edges the person is using two. Well, I’m not going to the store for that shiz, so I used the one I had plus a deck of cards. I’m all about making items do things they aren’t intended to do. Anyway, this was the result!

marbled cake on stand

If you notice, there is a bit of elephant skin on the front. If I had to guess it’s because I overworked the fondant and depleted it of moisture (after deciding against red marbling I basically kept kneading it until the red disappeared and then reused it). Still, not bad! To make the cake topper I purchased a regular old magnet like this one (replace with team of choice):

texans-magnet

And duct taped some skewers to the back. Voila, a dual-function magnet.

texans-magnet-taped

 Then I stuck on the top of the cake and called it a day. The end! 

texans cake brick background

What I love about this cake design is that it is so customizable and it doesn’t need any embellishments—simply change the colors and cake topper to please your male of choice.

Until next time <3

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